it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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