I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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