I must be too annoying 4 u.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize