he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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