I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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