He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
