video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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