Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
