I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
