I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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