He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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