I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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