Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
