and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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