Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
