Plan B is the new Plan A
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
