totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
