I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
