Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
