The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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