Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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