I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
