U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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