Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You dont lie about slip and slides
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
