I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
