i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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