I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
