I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
