$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
