i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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