Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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