he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
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you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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