i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
