I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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