i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
