he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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