She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
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McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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