Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
