I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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