I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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