Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
