Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
