Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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