The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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