im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
