it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
