Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
