Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
