piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
