I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
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She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
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Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When are your genitals available?
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