i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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