just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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