So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
