saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
