i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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