now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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