I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
